odd mom out

the one who wasn’t

Why do we give so much credence to a being that does not exist?  You know her…she  tells you that you are not good enough, talented enough, smart enough.  The one who whispers ‘you don’t look good in that swimsuit’, and  ‘what you have to say is not important’. 

She is our inner critic, and sometimes we allow her to yell at us, convincing us that even though we may have had success, we just got lucky, it was a fluke, and it will never happen again.  She berates us, chastises us, tells us there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that our dreams will come true.

What would happen if for one day we could ignore her, and let her know that what she says is not important?  Can you imagine how different your world would sound without your inner critic?  Can you try? 

I have been pondering these questions in my own life lately.  Wondering why I give her so much credit, why I take what she says as truth.  If there were a real person in my life like her I would definitely sever ties with them.  So why is it so difficult to end the relationship I have with my inner critic? 

I don’t have the answers yet, but I can tell you that I finally feel ready to ignore her.  I am thinking she might get a ‘Dear John’ letter soon.

opening

opening myself  to the present moment.

 


opening myself  to possibility.

opening myself  to creativity.

opening myself to kindred souls.

opening myself to joy.

 I had an absolutely amazing journey last week on the Oregon coast.  It opened me and filled me up at the same time.  

If you ever need to give a gift to yourself, if you are weary and feeling like you need to nuture yourself, take a retreat with Liz Lameroux.  Your spirit will thank you.

Thank you & (Semi) Wordless Wednesday

I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone who gave me words of support after my last post.  As you can imagine, that post was hard to write, but just what my grieving soul needed.

Now, to the wordless Wednesday part...

Love them so much.  Happy Wednesday.

Goodbye, good friend

My dear, sweet Frankie

Last week was one of the toughest I have had in a while.  There were several events that made the week hard to handle, but the worst was the decision to not let my sweet girl dog suffer from rapidly declining health.

I brought her home on October 16, 2000, the day before my birthday.  A friend, knowing my affinity for spotted dogs, had called me a week earlier to tell me that there was a Dalmatian in the local pound.   We already had two dogs and  I just wasn't sure I wanted to add another to the mix, especially considering I was seven months pregnant at the time with our first child.

A few days went by, and I kept thinking of the spotted dog at the pound.  I called, just to see if she was still there, hoping that she had been adopted.  No, she was there, and she only had a few days left.  Another two days pass, and by this time I am thinking about the poor dog constantly.  Finally I make a decision (without letting my husband in on the plan).  I will just go and see if she is there, and if she is, I will adopt her and find her a home.  

Here is where I must tell you that at the time I was living in the middle of nowhere, with only about 60 people in a 15 mile radius, and all of them had at least one dog.  Should be easy to find a home, right?  Turns out I didn't need to worry about it....

I pulled up to the pound, and there she was in the outdoor run, beautifully spotted, with the most gorgeous blue eyes you have ever seen.  Well, she ran up to me and sat down.  She nuzzled my hand.  Boy was she sweet...and so well-behaved!  I was in LOVE.  I had to remind myself to stay neutral, because I was there to pick her up and find her a home...not our home, per se, but a home. I loaded her up in the truck and drove the hour back home.  As soon as I pulled up to our warehouse, my husband came out and said, "She is beautiful, we are keeping her!".  Sigh of relief on my part, because now I could really fall in love.  

We went home and settled on the couch for a nap (those were the days...childless, with time for a nap!).  She crawled right up there and lay her head on my pregnant belly, looked up at me with those big blue eyes, and sighed, as if to say, "Thank you, I will be yours.  I love you already."

She would 'Moo' when she wanted something.  She hated thunder.  She loved to chase lizards.  She loved to run.  She was an amazing friend and listener.  She was just so beautiful, inside and out.  

Last Monday she had what appeared to be an eye infection.  On Tuesday she was hard to wake up.  By Wednesday the eye infection wasn't getting any better, despite twice daily antibiotics.  The vet called to say her bloodwork showed low thyroid function and very high liver enzymes.  On Thursday she could barely walk and I was afraid she would not last the day.  She wasn't eating, and she seemed to be going blind.  She was going downhill FAST.  They took x-rays.  Her liver was twice it's normal size.  She had a mass in her belly, and she was showing signs of neurological damage, most likely from a brain tumor.  

I asked what we could do, knowing in my heart that there were so many obstacles.  I was grasping at straws, hoping the vet could help her, and then hoping she could help me decide.  In the end, I had to make one of the hardest decisions one can make.  It was time.  She was ailing badly, and there just wasn't that much to hope for.  I couldn't bear to see her suffer, so was too good for that.  

I held her, and told her I loved her, that she was an amazing friend to me.  I thanked her for giving me her unconditional love.  I cried.  A lot.  

I am still crying.  

I love you, girl, you are and always will be missed.

 

To all the Moms...

I found this video very moving.  Enjoy, and Happy Mother's Day.

We asked moms if they could go back to before their first baby, what would they tell themselves. These are their answers. Everyone in the video is a mom :)

 

 

Balls Dropping Everywhere

OK, so I am a little late to post the winners of the giveaway, but since only two people commented with a word, I am going to give them both necklaces! Yeah!  So Giselle and CeCe both get necklaces...WooHoo!  Love their words: 'bloom' & 'change'.

So, on the subject of balls dropping, I have been remiss in my self-portrait class.  Not in commenting on photos, or looking at photos...(I check our Flickr group obsessively, and sorry, it's a private group or I'd link you up).   No, where I have dropped the ball is getting myself in front of the camera.  As I mentioned before, there are several demons that come up for me when I look at pictures of myself.  But today one of my classmates posted something that resonated with me: when you take a self-portrait, you are in control of how other people see you.  In other words, if you don't want people to see you in that angel, light, etc., then delete the picture.  Simple enough, right?  But what an epiphany for me.  

So after my forehead slapping lightbulb moment I went to work shooting some self-portraits.  Here are two of my favorites...you will notice that I really love playing with light.

Me, in the morning light.

 

Me, in the shadows.

 

So far, I am loving this class. The discussions  have shown me that I am not the only one who feels vulnerable in front of the lens, and the photos of the other gorgeous women have given me the inspiration to face my fears and step into the light.  What a gift.

 

Now & a Giveaway

I don't make New Year's resolutions.  They are dissapointing and deflating when you can't follow through after a month  a week or two.  Instead I choose a word that embodies what I want to focus on for the year. Two years ago it was persevere.   It was right for my life then, and focusing on that word did make a difference.  Last year's word was patience. I would love to tell you that I am now the most patient person in the world.  Sadly, I am not.  However, I have learned to take a deep breath while waiting in long lines,  I doodle while I am on hold, I bring a book with me everywhere.

No, I didn't come up with the idea.  That honor goes to the incredibly talented and insightful Ali Edwards,  who is also teaching a class over at Big Picture Classes called, (are you ready?) "One Little Word".  This class aims at keeping you focused on your word throughout the year; incorporating photography, writing, and scrapbooking.  I enrolled, and I am loving that it helps me keep my word front and center.

This year my word is NOW.  I thought long and hard about my word this year, I wanted something that would truly enrich my life, something that could be whispered to myself as a reminder, a mantra of sorts.  Like many moms I know, (actually lots of people, moms or not) we tend to focus on getting everything done, what's coming next, the endless to-do list of life.  But this way of living is trade-off, and what we are trading is enjoying the precious moments that unfold right in front of us while we are racing around to get to the next thing.  

I know that we have to be productive for the sake of our families, jobs,and sanity.  I am not trying to be Pollyanna here.  But I want to remind myself that now is all there really is, and I had better damn well learn to enjoy it.

There are two quotes that I love (actually there are several, but in the interest of time, I will share only my favorites) that help remind me to be here now.  To enjoy what I am doing now. 

"The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift.  That's why they call it the present." 
-Bill Keane, cartoonist of Family Circus fame 

That one is fun...this one is powerful:

"We are now faced with the fact that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history, there "is" such a thing as being too late. This is no time for apathy or complacency. This is a time for vigorous and postive action." 
— Martin Luther King Jr.

 Whew.  That last one gets me every time.  

So what is your word this year?  What do you want to focus on, change, or incorporate into your life this year?  

Becasue I beleive in this exercise so much, and also because I believe in the power of physical reminders, (and also becasue I love jewelry) I am giving one reader a Lisa Leonard Designs Word of the Year necklace, with your word stamped in sterling silver.  To enter just leave a comment telling me what your word is  and why you chose it.  Entries will be closed Thursday at midnight MST, and the winner will be announced Friday moring.  

I look forward to seeing what you choose to bring into your lives this year.

Finding My Inner Muse

Yesterday marked the first day of an online class I am taking called "You Are Your Own Muse"  (Love the title).  It is an online photography class taught by the talented Vivienne McMaster that explores self-portraits.  In the past, I have been loathe to turn the camera on myself.  I almost always hate the way I look in photos: my lazy eye is obvious, my skin is ultra-shiny, my wrinkles are showing.  Self-criticism stops me cold from getting in front of the camera.  

Recently though, I realized that my children will look back on photos from their youth and see lots of them with each other, them alone, or them with their dad, but none with me.  It takes me out of the family equation.  And I am very much here.  And there needs to be a record of my presence.

So, the class.  It would be a bit of an understatement to say that I am nervous to take this journey. But I have decided to dig deep, throw my expectations out the window and just enjoy the process.  I even took a few pictures yesterday to get the juices flowing.  Below are two of my favorites from the set.  Although they are not traditional self-portraits, they are representations of me, of myself.  And that dear friends, is all they need to be.

Me and the boys.

 

My kicks.

Grateful

I have been thinking a lot about gratitude lately.  Studies have shown (don't ask me for citations, I have ADD, I just know I have read about it in several locations) that people who take the time each day to reflect on what they are grateful for are happier.  I have been trying this, and I think it is working.  

Today, I would like to share with you some things I am grateful for right now in my life.

Bohdi

Gunner

Some people may think we are crazy to adopt two Lab puppies when we already have two Dalmatians.  But these dogs have brought so much joy to our lives in the time we have had them that I can't imagine not having four dogs.

 

2.  Our cabin.

I know this isn't a picture of the cabin, but this picture represents all the fun we have when we go there.  There is no agenda, nothing that has to be done.  We are free to enjoy each other as a family, have fun, and live in the moment.  These are times that I hope our children will remember fondly as they grow up.

 

3.  The quiet of the early morning, before the hustle of the day sets in.

Lately I have been loving the early mornings, watching the sun rise, steaming cup of coffee in my hand, enjoying the now.

 

What are you grateful for lately?

Monday 5 ~ Camera Edition

I must admit, I have been a little lax about taking pictures lately.  However, the holidays are coming and I am vowing to change my ways.  I thought a little camera inspiration would go a long way towards helping me make more photos.

1.  I found this adorable ruffled camera strap at the Etsy shop Eclectic Whatnot.  I love the colors and the ruffle.   Now this would make me want to pick up my camera!

2. After showing you the strap above, this one looks a little boring  utilitarian.  This is the strap I currently use: the Lowepro Transporter.  Now, I have seen many cute camera straps,  (although nothing like the little ruffled number above), but I have resisted for one reason:  this strap comes with a memory card wallet on the strap.  I cannot tell you how convenient that is.  If you shoot a lot of photos, or you just want to carry your camera and nothing else, you will understand my choice of form over function.  

Alas, you cannot buy the memory card wallet separately.   Oh, sure they have other memory card wallets...but this neat thing-a-ma-jig only comes with the strap.  Now you could rig it up to work with another strap...but then you have bought two straps, and I would rather save my money for mojitos  lenses.  Sigh.

 

3.  Now, I realize that not everyone uses a dslr camera.  And to tell you the truth, sometimes I hate taking my big camera  with me.  It's heavy.  It's bulky.  It gets in the way.  Sometimes you just want something small to record the moment.  Enter the Canon PowerShot A1100IS.  It's small, it takes great pictures (12.1 megapixels) , gives you some manual control, and its relatively cheap.

The other feature I love about this camera is that it takes standard AA batteries.  Which is great if you travel to remote places like I do where there is often no electricity to recharge a battery.  And you can buy AA batteries anywhere in the world, so no frying you battery with wonky electrical current in some third world country.  They may not have power, but they will have  AA batteries.  

Now there is an updated version of this camera, but it takes a Lithium-ion battery, which negates all of the positives I stated about the AA batteries above.  On, the bright side, since there is an updated model, you may be able to snag this one cheap...if it's really cheap, let me know, I want one too.  What can I say, I love this camera. 

 

4.  If you are just starting out in photography, or you want to take pictures this season that are more than just snapshots, take a class.  Local community colleges are great resources.  There are also many online seminars to choose from.  

One great site for beginners is BetterPhoto.com.  You can choose course by your area of interest and also by your level of expertise.  

Of course, taking an online class requires dedication, you have to be self-motivated to do the work.  Then and only then, will your skills improve.  

5.  A cheaper, self-paced route to improving your skills is to read a book.  ('Cause you have sooo much time on your hands, right?)  Below are several good ones that I have found helpful.  

 

    How to Photograph Absolutely Everything:   Successful Pictures from Your Digital Camera by Tom Ang

 

Tom is a master photographer, and his books are to the point, with lots of illustrations and step by step instructions.  True to the title, it tells you how to photograph everything.

 

 

The Digital Photography Book:
The Step-by-Step Secrets for How to Make Your Photos Look Like the Pros, Volume 1 by Scott Kelby

This book is full of short tutorials that give you information you can use.  Besides, Scott is entertaining, so it's not a dry read.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photographing Children Photo Workshop: Develop Your Digital Photography Talent  by Ginny Felch and Allison Tyler Jones

I was lucky enough to take an online workshop with Allison Tyler Jones.  Take a look at her website...if you take photos of your kids, you want this book.

 

 

 

Whew!  Long post!  Well, if you made it this far, I hope that you are inspired to take some great photos over the holidays.  I know I am !